Jerusalem Telegraph: AD 30

                        Jerusalem Telegraph AD 30

           Imposter wanted for questioning as 
 new allegations pour in of yet another miracle

                     Sanhedrin determines 
               Jesus of Nazareth be silenced

Once again the city is full of rumours surrounding self-appointed rabbi, Jesus from Nazareth, who is reported to have performed one of his ‘magical tricks’ again. Residents of the small village of Bethany, near Jerusalem, are saying he raised to life a dead man, Lazarus of Bethany, yesterday. The named man is said to have died five days ago of natural causes and been placed in the tomb outside the village a few hours after he died. The deceased’s body had been washed and anointed with oils and spices, as is the custom, and seventy people took part in the burial procession.

Jesus of Nazareth is purported to have been on good terms with the deceased man, Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha and often frequents their house. He was not present on the day of Lazarus’s death and burial.

Neighbours told reporters that Jesus arrived near Bethany at noon yesterday and, while still outside the village, spoke with Lazarus’s sister, Martha, at some length. Neighbours said they were shocked to see the two in deep conversation and apparently the ‘rabbi’ has been known to do such a shameful thing on a few previous occasions (publically conversing with a woman – and, it has to be said, not even a blood relative.)

Martha is reported to have gone to find her sister Mary and it appears the rabbi also spoke to her outside in the same place; it was clear the woman, Mary, was traumatised by events and quickly collapsed at his feet weeping. Jesus was said to be overcome with emotion after the conversation.

Jesus of Nazareth went to the tomb, a small cave cut out of the rocks, and one man working on his garden nearby distinctly heard him, from a distance, order the stone to be removed and call the dead man out of the tomb.  Another neighbour said that he was alarmed to see a white figure walking stiffly out of the tomb, wrapped from head to foot in grave clothes, and the rabbi commanded these to be taken off.

The Sanhedrin has admitted it is getting inundated with and very tired of these stories that keep coming in … healings, miracles, risings from the dead. They are ‘interrupting business as usual’ and members of the council are deeply concerned that gullible and ignorant people believe them and appear to hang on every word the imposter speaks.

The most likely explanation is that it is a set-up to impress or the dead man must have swooned

Reporters questioned the two sisters at length. They too are taken in by the imposter and are convinced that a miracle had taken place. Both said they were with their brother when he died and told reporters that even if Lazarus  had swooned he could not have come out of the tomb four days later, having eaten and drunk nothing and looking, as they described, ‘in blooming health.’ Impertinently, they asked reporters what would be the purpose of a set-up when Jesus has already done ’countless other miracles’ to prove that He is the ******** (cannot be published due to blasphemous content.) They pointed out that Jesus did not want any more publicity as some ruffians in the vicinity of the capital have been seeking every opportunity to stone him. They said they could provide plenty of witnesses to the miracle if we are still unconvinced..

The Sanhedrin is reported to be desperate to question Jesus of Nazareth on his own concerning his teaching and so-called miracles. If anyone knows his whereabouts please ring Caiaphas on 089 765 314 22.

Jerusalam Telegraph AD 29: Another loser becomes a winner

                                        Jerusalem Telegraph: AD 29

        Shock entry: prostitute steals uninvited 
                               into city house
 
  Distinguished city guests appalled  by woman and rabbi’s 
                       behaviour as rabbi allows woman to kiss his feet

Jerusalem was in shock today when a city woman slipped in by the back gate of Simon the Pharisee’s house where he was holding a dinner. The uninvited guest appeared to be seeking an audience with self-appointed rabbi, Jesus from Nazareth in Galilee. 
       The women, veiled and dressed in tight black clothes, slipped in, unseen and uninvited. To the embarrassment of many of the guests, she began sobbing loudly as she sat at the rabbi’s feet; she then touched him, wiping the tears from his feet with her hair. To add to her unseemly behaviour, she unashamedly kissed his feet and, in the most unrestrained manner, poured perfume on them. The mess made by the woman’s actions was, according to bystanders, ‘truly dreadful’ and servants attending the dinner said they’d never seen anything like it before and were lost as to how to deal appropriately with the situation. They also said the woman’s actions were a shocking waste and, if Jesus was a respectable rabbi, he would have rejected the women’s actions outright and called on them to remove her without delay. They suspected the woman must have stolen the ointment as it was a very expensive brand.
       Jesus, rather than reproaching her for her inappropriate behaviour and seeking her removal, seemed thoroughly pleased with the proceedings and began to praise her in front of all the shocked guests as though she had done something right… . 
       Our reporters were quick on the scene. Simon declined to comment except to say she was an uninvited guest and he didn’t know her.
       A guest, who wishes to remain anonymous, described it as, “A most embarrassing and vulgar affair.”
       The woman lives in the downtown area of Jerusalem; when interviewed, neighbours told reporters that she is a well known 'woman of the night.’
       The self-styled rabbi was reportedly somewhere outside the city with two more women and their brother but could not be located for comment. 
                                                  *  *  *
Jesus was unperturbed at the woman’s actions which flew in the face of acceptable behaviour towards the opposite sex BIG TIME in the first century. On the contrary, He praised the woman to his host for her lavish expression of love towards Him:

·    “she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her  
       hair”
·    “from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet”
·    “she has anointed my feet with ointment.”
·    “she loved much”

Jesus turned round and told her that her sins, (which He acknowledged were many) were forgiven. He said, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” In other words, she needn’t feel ashamed anymore.  The past was over and He was giving her a new start. What had set her on the road of prostitution no one knows but one thing was for sure: a loser had become a winner. She had been rescued from a guilty past, loved, affirmed and undoubtedly would never be the same again.